"I know I never want to use again"

My drug use started when I was young, and I got addicted to heroin and crack. Because of this, in 2016 I lost two children into the care system. I got put forward for a Christian-based rehab. I stayed there for about 8 months and came out drug free. Detoxing from heroin was hard but I got through it, and I stayed off drugs for years.

Years on, I started suffering with anxiety and felt like I needed something to cope. I started buying and taking a medication called Pregabalin. The medication was helping with my anxiety but by January 2023 I was physically addicted to it.

I gave birth to a little girl around the same time and Social Services got involved. They told me I needed to refer myself to CGL for support with my Pregabalin use. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to, because I felt like Pregabalin was helping me and I didn’t think I could cope without it. Also, I’d heard from other people who were using it that it was really hard to get off Pregabalin, even harder than heroin. I’d heard that if I went into detox I wouldn’t be given any medication and would just be observed in case anything went wrong. So I doubted how much help I would actually get.

However, because I was buying Pregabalin and it wasn’t prescribed, it was costing me a lot of money, even more than I used to spend on heroin and crack. I constantly had to worry about making sure I had enough tablets. Sometimes I would try to find extra money so I could buy enough to not have to worry about running out as often. Sometimes I couldn’t get them, and I would have no choice but to buy fake ones. I was having to worry about all of this, as well as juggling the needs of my kids. It came to the point where I was sick and tired of running around after a drug, so I referred myself to CGL.

My first appointment with CGL was chaotic as I attended with all of my children who are all very young. It felt stressful, but my keyworker Aurelie and all of the team at the Women’s Hub were really nice and worked together to support us.

After my first appointment at the hub, Aurelie made sure my appointments were mixed up of telephone calls and home visits. This made it easier around childcare, and to stay in touch with the service and receive the support that I needed.

I was offered a chance to detox at Bac O’Connor residential rehab and I took it. Because I’d heard such bad things about coming off Pregabalin, I was expecting my detox to be awful. But it wasn’t painful or hard at all and I felt comfortable all the way through. Pregabalin withdrawals can be dangerous, so they slowly reduced me off the medication, and it felt easy.

The staff at Bac O’Connor were really nice. When I was there they helped me to open my eyes to the fact that the professionals supporting me and my family, really did want me to keep my children. I’d had bad experiences in the past with Social Services and wasn’t very trusting. But I learnt nobody wanted to take my children out of my care. So I sat back, trusted in people and opened up so that I could work through everything I needed to properly.

Through groups and listening to others in similar situations, I’ve learnt that addiction is different for everyone, but we can all learn from and support each other. We’re like a little community ready to help others.

My advice to anyone who needs support with addiction would be you have to be ready first. But when you are, grab the bull by the horns and accept the support. You’ll think life will be harder without drugs, but once you’ve stopped and you get the help you need, you’ll realise that life was much harder when you were using.

I now feel positive about my future. Don’t get me wrong, not using substances when you have relied on them for a long time is hard. It feels like a loss. But I know I never want to use again. I am proud of myself as since I’ve been free of Pregabalin, I’ve held everything together. I didn’t feel I would be able to do this without having a drug to help me cope, but I have. So I’m going to enjoy a normal life, where I stay abstinent and keep the kids happy.