"I had to make the decision in the middle of a crisis"

I feel the stigma against those like me who have previously had a diagnosis of BPD/EUPD, is disgusting at best and dangerous at worst.

I’m not interested in going into great detail about what happened to me last summer. 

But, I had to make the decision in the middle of a crisis that they CMHT really were not willing to help me whilst in crisis. They were friendly, and chatty when I wasn’t in crisis which was most of the time. I knew if they couldn’t help me in crisis, at the end of the day, what was the point in having these people for the most difficult times? It was making me worse.

I met a Psych nurse at A&E after the ambulance had taken me in. The ambulance staff had been extremely supportive, although I had asked them to let me go home several times as I knew exactly what would happen once psych got involved when they saw me at A&E. After 20 odd years under mental health services, I know how the system works.

However, I was persuaded to stay.

I met a community psych nurse who had come to A&E to see me after the ambulance staff had spoken to a psychiatrist on the phone and after the psychiatrist has spoken to me on the phone in the ambulance. 

The nurse was hostile, lacked compassion and any ounce of kindness from the offset. I had my support worker with me and she was completely shocked at how I was being spoken to.

I had explained to her quite a few times how people with a diagnosis past or present of EUPD are treated. But I don’t think she truly understood until she saw it with her own eyes.

I was told the usual lines - that I needed to take responsibility. Of course, I am a huge advocate for self awareness and taking responsibility. What did this person think I had been doing for the past few years. For context, I have had three crisis/blips since 2010. I worked hard at my recovery over many years and was discharged for MH services in 2011. 

I asked the nurse why as women we aren’t allowed to express our emotions? I was too angry, too upset, too emotional? I felt he was misogynistic and I told him that.

All through therapy in the psychotherapy department I was told to express my emotions and not to hold anything in. 

Why is there no safety net for patients at Cornhill now like there was a few years ago? And how can a patient be deemed mentally capable after they have just tried to drown themselves?

The nurse said many nasty things to me that night, I was again re-traumatised by a system that is supposed to care for people who are unwell. He was very dismissive, and nonchalant, clearly trying to use a less is more approach with me - the awful, terrible borderline. Or as the RCPSYCH once said - a thorn in every clinician's side. Imagine reading that and believing because you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a highly contentious disorder,  a diagnosis of exclusion, which it still is in my view, and being told by mhp’s that either you’re a waste of time, or there’s nothing wrong with you, nothing at all, that you don’t need any support, that you can do whatever you want.

I was offered a couple night's worth of sleeping tablets which I said no to at first because I didn’t want him to think I was there for meds. But I took them in the end after I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I’ve met many similar to this nurse, but he was one of the worst. 

When I got home around 5.30am (approximately) I called my CPN’s number and asked to be discharged completely from her because in the middle of that crisis I felt they were all making me worse.

I went to bed, got up later in the day and quietly took an overdose of morphine. I didn’t tell anyone and I didn’t go to hospital.

My partner only found out because I ended up becoming very unwell later that day. She agreed not to call anyone or tell anyone. As she knew, as well as I did that I would be treated terribly and I would just feel 100 times.

Now to the present day. I am so thankful that, although I made the decision to self discharged during a crisis. So far my decision has helped. I am mentally stable and well at the moment and have been after a few weeks of making that decision. 

I know that I have ruined any chance of getting any help from Cornhill ever again. And I worry if I do struggle. But, I’m a strong individual who has overcome a lot. I’m very aware of my mental well being. I am constantly taking responsibility. I think the MH services are a disgrace, they are re-traumatising to so many, I feel that staff are burnt out and too many have no compassion.

I think everything is political, it seems to me that pathways are set up to get people into or back into work. In my view, work should never be used as a health outcome or goal unless the person is truly able to work and work in the long term. 

I don't think changing EUPD to Complex emotional Needs will break the stigma that is ingrained in staff. I believe the whole system needs overhauled.

I did everything that was asked of me in the past. Now it’s your turn to start making real changes.