"My journey with anxiety following a cancer diagnosis"

During the Covid pandemic, I found out I had severe anaemia, and the follow up blood tests showed elevated levels of lymphocytes. The GP that spotted this left on maternity leave and nobody else cared to follow up until after 6 months, I asked to get to the bottom of the anaemia and get a coil fitted to stop my heavy periods. Another GP then finally looked back at my results and asked for another blood test, after which I was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukaemia in my late 30's. I had two young children and this shocking diagnosis came in form of a phone call from this GP. I wasn’t told by her beforehand, that the blood test they took was to screen for cancer. This diagnosis was a complete shock and trauma, especially because of how it was delivered. The GP’s words, if you could wish for any type of leukaemia, this is the one you’d choose,  still haunt me. I was home alone with the kids at the time, and my world collapsed. I phoned my husband who rushed home from work, and I started planning how to tell everyone, all without knowing what it actually means. The same GP sent me a leaflet via email that had scary statistics and offered zero hope. Having a disease usually found in old people meant that “an 80+% survival rate at 5 years” was supposed to feel like good news, but I wasn’t even 40 yet! She promised me a haematology appointment within 6 weeks, but it took 3 months to get seen - the darkest months of my life. It was a relief to be told I’m early stage and stable, but then following my 2nd appointment 3 months later, they took bloods for genetic testing to determine how I’m likely to respond to future treatments if ever necessary, and then they dropped the ball on me: they forgot to schedule my next appointment, they didn’t send me my results, and for 6 months I couldn’t get hold of my results nor talk to anyone from haematology, so I was left with the fear of the worst outcome, and that’s when my severe anxiety started. 

Panic attacks at work got so bad I had to resign. (I started my own creative business since, which was the best decision ever.) I ended up in A&E thinking I am having a heart attack - it was an anxiety attack. These continued regularly, one GP prescribed Beta Blockers only for the next GP to tell me not to take it… my life revolved around my fear of dying: not from the leukaemia, but from a sudden heart attack, stroke or another form of aggressive cancer! I stopped going for walks, because I feared collapsing on the woodland paths and dying. I couldn’t stay home alone, for fear of dying and my kids finding me unconscious when they returned from school. I trained my kids how to call 999, should this ever be the case. I stopped meeting friends, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone, they wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t think about anything apart from dying. I had no life.

I finally had enough of feeling like this, and at my next haematology check up I asked for a referral to in person therapy. I was told waiting times are around 3 months. I also got in touch with a mental health nurse who suggested type therapy while I waited. My first therapist wasn’t a good fit, but the second one was excellent. With a lot of self care and implementing advice from the therapist, I reached a point where I could cope better.

My type therapy ended and I felt better, but not 100%. Anxiety returned with a vengeance after going through stressful times, and I felt I was back to square one, I couldn’t enjoy my success in my business, nor my kids, nor any holidays or my friends, life was constant chest pain and terror of dying.

In April this year, I was placed on yearly check ups by haematology (from the previous 6 monthly), I was told I’m stable and I should try and live my life without worrying about the CLL, as based on the very slow progression over 3 years, they have high hopes I won’t require treatment for ages. I then finally received my first appointment for face to face therapy, and I opted for the video call option to make it easier.

I knew from the first appointment that my therapist is perfect for me, she was wise, understanding, asked great questions, and with her help over the last 4 months, I have come on in leaps and bounds. I have cemented in my previous realisations and skills from both type therapy and my personal learning, and she also opened my eyes to important things that have now become second nature to me. My emotional relationship to my own anxiety has transformed, I’m looking at it with compassion and gratitude rather than enmity and annoyance. I haven’t had thoughts of my own sudden death in ages. I feel empowered and strong and hopeful for the future, I feel I can deal with anything and my little dark corner of death, terror and doom has now opened up to a colourful world of possibilities full of hope, love, supportive people and so much inspiration, drive and creativity! 

It’s like I’ve been sitting on a beach at night with my back to the water, hearing the scary sound of approaching waves, never knowing when they will hit me, sweep me up, drown me. But now the Sun is up and I turned to face the ocean and marvel at its beauty, knowing it is my choice to walk into the water or back onto the warm dry sand. And that even in the water, I am safe. I can swim or float, and I can walk back out any time.