"Understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder"

I would hesitate to use these services again during an episode.

I had to beg for a CPN and was given 10 weeks of STEPPS which I feel isn’t properly managed or effective at dealing with the issue at the moment. No one during or just after an episode has the capacity to engage in a rigorous programme like STEPPS. I think it’s a relatively new service that needs regular reviews. 

It seems that staff and people in general often look at BPD as being attention seeking, when all it really is is complex emotions from trauma. BPD for me is cyclic much like bipolar disorder but much more intense and severe. PTSD is a term used after an event. Look at BPD as an ongoing event like TSD (traumatic stress disorder). You can’t expect someone who’s having a hard time to act “normal”. Expecting that of us is just adding more pressure.  There is definitely a stigma that we’re “difficult” or unable to cooperate, but more training needs done into why we’re like that at times. We feel the world is against us during an episode.

I abandoned the STEPPS programme and stopped seeing the CPN because I feel like either they roll their eyes or really just don’t know what to do, and that’s because we’re quite literally plunged into something that makes us use our brains which is still quite mashed from an episode.  

Perhaps more engagement with those that are not in episodes and finding out then what helps during an episode may solve this problem. As sad as it is, the only thing that has helped during an episode is sedation. It’s only for a short time but we’re looked at like some junkie that's addicted hence why many go looking for other means of sedation through illegal drugs. For me, I think having this under medical supervision would be far safer. It’s literally because we need it.

Triggers are usually family, relationships, friendships or entering certain environments. This is why places like work, uni, college, school, groups etc are very hard for us. It’s like living in a constant nightmare. Feeling like we don’t fit in usually because we don’t and we know it. STEPPS will only help once episodes have been under control for at least 6 months and rolling eyes and discharging us won’t help either.

It’s also worth checking if the person has autism or ADHD as was found with me. BPD seems to stem a lot from not fitting in hence the issues with relationships etc. Looking at us with apparent disgust and talking to us like we’re unreasonable doesn’t help at all. It makes the feeling of not being accepted even worse - and as a result I abandoned that side of care altogether. 

Overdose is pretty prominent in mental illness because we either can’t cope anymore or just need relief. Sometimes it can be because we need someone to finally listen how serious it all is. Except when you’re taken in, we’re seen as a waste of time and sneered at and left sitting in a room alone. I felt more support from the other patients around me. We’re not wasting anyone’s time, more should be done before it reaches this point and when that point comes it should be treated with respect and dignity and recognised that we’ve just had enough. A loving and caring environment would be far more helping than being looked at like criminals.

I’ve seen similar stories about being told to “take responsibility” but in crisis you literally cannot do that. It’s like asking a child in the middle of a tantrum to calm down. It won’t work. Better understanding of this condition definitely needs worked on rather than being viewed like we’re insufferable or unable to help. If it helps, take it as someone in crisis flipping back into child mode. We need support, comfort, calming down. Simple things like toast and a cup of tea makes us feel cared for. 

Luckily I have been episode free since December 2023 since my diagnosis of ADHD. I finally understood why I don’t fit in, why my childhood was difficult, why people maybe looked at me funny at times and why I felt like my brain never switched off which would put me into crisis mode. 

I hope this helps make a better understanding of the issue because now that I’ve addressed all these issues and understood being on the other side of the coin of treating BPD, I know working together is far more efficient than working in hostility.