"Bereavement"

After a long battle with health issues my wife was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer with only 6months. I had for a long time balanced working and caring for my wife, when my wife was diagnosed with cancer I stopped working to spend more time with her and organise her care. We was lucky enough to do this with help from wigan & hospice.

Unfortunately my wife lost her battle’s 10 1/2 months ago with her last 9 days in a hospice. I went from full time carer, husband to losing my soulmate with a phone call as I was walking into the hospital.

To me I had lost everything. To everyone I was doing well, but I was on autopilot. Dealing with everything like a robot I suppose.

That was my life until was out walking in the beautiful Yorkshire dales and I couldn’t see point anymore, nothing I could see or do was going to improve from being at rock bottom.

My beautiful wife in her final months had once said to me the pain you will feel when I pass away is like nothing else, she wasn’t wrong.

That is when decided to seek help. I was given a list of numbers and web sites to use but I didn’t get any response at all, and I did try.

Finally I had given up, thought it’s just not for me and I had given up on trying. I’m a man I’m stronger than this, I’ll work through this. But on a visit to my GP on an unrelated issue, my doctor asked me was I ok !!!

On trying to answer this question I broke down everything came out pain, anxiety, depression, lack of sleep , everything .

The receptionist at GP’s found new contact information for the bereavement services in Manchester. To be honest I didn’t have any faith in what was going to happen, from past experiences but I knew I needed help.

I thought if I get through I’ll be put on a waiting list, but at least it’s start.

But when the phone was answered, my therapist opened a conversation straight away, listening asking to go back over a detail that I had said. To gain more information of my loss, my pain.

My therapist allowed me get everything out, everything I had held inside. Then over the coming months I was able to gain a better understanding about grief and how to be better able to manage it.

Grief doesn’t go or suddenly disappear you learn to manage your life with it. It’s ok to laugh and not feel guilty. It’s ok to do things on your own.

My grief is always half a step behind me , sometimes not even that. It does occasionally catch up in a conversation, a quiet moment, a song.

If I’m in bad place and a dark cloud has come back I can now use tools that I have been given to help myself or I know a phone call is always an option to help.

A date that had been arranged for counselling session I had to cancel, so I made a call so wouldn’t be wasting someone’s valuable time. When made the call I was asked the reason for the cancellation, I pointed out that I was spreading my wife’s ashes on that day. My therapist's response was to ask how I felt about it and help me put me in a better place to deal with it all.

It’s not been easy talking to people about bereavement. It can hurt like hell, but it does work. People do say that you are doing well, but inside there’s nothing but pain, pain that’s can be on another level. But when I have had the chance to look back there’s a steady improvement on both my mental and physical health.