"Distressing feelings following my mums death"

I was the sole carer for my mum following a stroke over a 4 year period. I coped well initially but the last year or so of her life i couldn't cope & developed burnout which affected our mum & daughter relationship greatly.

I felt frustrated as i tried everything to make the situation better but nothing worked. My mum was angry with me as she felt i was nagging her to eat & drink but i knew she wasn't drinking enough & getting repeated urine infections making her very unwell. I felt fearful as i knew i was already struggling to cope and felt i couldn't manage her getting unwell again. I felt a big barrier between our relationship that was once very close and dear. I just couldn't reason with her. She kept repeating that she wanted to die, i understood but it broke my heart.

In the last month of her life i was more burnt out than ever. It was lock down & trying to get help was even worse. She began falling & eventually we managed to get some help but later in the week after another fall she was taken in to hospital. I couldn't go due to lock down & a day or two later i received a call to say my mum was dying. I did manage to go in but she was taking her last breaths & died very soon after.

I was wracked with sadness, but most of all with regret & extreme guilt of how our once loving & closeness ended. My guilt grew worse and worse, i felt i'd failed her so badly & was re-living it continually. I felt in total pain and distress wishing i could have done better, comforted her more, reassured her more & not burnt out. I wanted to let her know how much i loved her & how sorry i was that i couldn't handle everything so much better but she was dying when i got to hospital. The feelings were with me every day, i couldn't see past it & would have panic attacks. These feelings were present 4 years following my mums death.

I began my bereavement counselling wondering how could it help. My therapist was so kind and understanding & she enabled me to explore & re-think the situation with a little guidance. It was like something just clicked in my head , i suddenly felt a physical release all through being enabled and supported to see the situation i was in a little different & things seemed to make sense more. My therapist made me feel safe to tell my story. She was warm and very kind & i felt very at ease with her. I can't thank her enough for how she helped. I started to think of warm memories of my mum instead of sad and distressing ones & felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.