"It still seems I have more hope for the team, than the team has in me"

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in services over a decade. Been under a couple of teams, in this restructuring, I started out in one team and talking it through with a few members there, it was figured it would be good for my mental health if I moved. My housing situation wasn’t great, it was an anti-social area where I got zero sleep. However, in some way I regret moving with the support I get now.

With how long I’ve been in services and also I’ve had multiple mental health workers who have come and gone, I’ve learned each one has a different approach. From the worst experience,  I have felt my symptoms my  cries for help have been dismissed, and often have been labelled such things as an attention seeker to the best experience, where a member of staff went the one who went above and beyond even in Covid time. 

I’m now back to the point where I don’t know where to turn. I understand the services are understaffed, underfunded and it feels to me like a few of the workers don’t want to be there. 

I can actually answer the question “What can we do for you?/How can we help you?” Like I’ve said I’ve had years to adapt to this, to figure out what I actually need, which is often someone to talk to and unravel how these conditions and my past is effecting me before it gets to crisis point. However,  I feel no one actually mentions that it seems in the North Team there’s a wrong answer for that question. If what you need, doesn’t fit in their box.

I’ve been threatened with discharge, been called uncooperative just because I didn't think one treatment wouldn’t fit, I feel they ignored all the hoops good and bad I’ve jumped through with the mental health service over the past 10+ years. I think I  could probably teach the anxiety management course I’ve been through it so many times. 

I feel I shouldn’t have to be afraid or second guess whether I should be calling services, or trying to think what am I talking about. Another thing that came up was they weren’t there for general chat, which I now laugh at, the only time I’ve seen the current CPN is in times of crisis, so I wonder why are they there? Again I know the service is crowded, but for some of us, all we need is someone to listen, the other teams never had an issue with this.

I also know from personal experience in trying to tackle this previously if I was to bring up these complaints, I’d get some attempt to justify it, even writing this I know there will be team members tutting with denial. When you grew up in these sorts of toxic environments being gaslit, belittled etc I’ve learned you can either cut off that person so you don’t get hurt or try to come to some middle ground.

I feel if it wasn’t for the team owing me more answers/explanations for what I’ve been through the past 10 years and overall I need support at times, I’d go for the first option particularly with what I’ve felt under the north team. I feel like it was obvious the psychiatrist had made up their mind before entering and again I left more confused, they talk about a lack of identity when I can’t get an answer to why I was given a certain diagnosis. I’ve just been told (via CPN) to accept being unhappy on the subject (I feel the team should strive more for patient to achieve their full protentional rather than leaving them feeling abandoned. I have a label of a personality disorder which of course it seems across the country has the effect of putting the label of “problem patient” probably another reason I feel like I was getting kicked out of the doors in my second session with the North Team, particularly as I turned down that therapy.

I’ve ticked in the “Thinking about this service overall, how was your experience of the service?“ “Poor” although the fact I feel I’d likely be better without the team (in some way I am I haven’t properly spoken to the CPN since middle of last year, and it it seems they were never quick to get back in touch) I still have a bit of hope for the team they will get better and my bad experience with a couple of people in the team doesn’t reflect on the couple who I’ve had a good experience with. It still seems I have more hope for the team, than the team has in me and that fuels why I’m hesitant and fear asking for a new CPN like people suggest, really the team needs to look at the damage they could be doing to their patients and actually get to know them (or at least make it seem you want to get to know them).

You get 1000 words for this I could probably go on…