"Mixed experience throughout"

I went into premature labour after a very symptomatic pregnancy where I wasn't taken serious about lack of movement, bleeding, my health and baby dropping from 75th to 9th centile. I was a planned section that didn't happen due to being premature. I asked for an epidural multiple times as I didn't want to risk a GA section and was high risk from pregnancy/baby was showing signs of distress on arrival. They sent me home the night before with contractions every 3-4m, bleeding, reduced movement and being 34weeks pregnant with positive ffp test and no advice even though I was asking what would happen, was I going to go into labour as they said I wasn't - I was just told by the midwife i don't know, I wasn't in with the dr. I kept being refused an epidural - told I needed monitored, then told my baby was at risk of brain damage due to prematurity and I didn't to focus on the magnesium infusion, told I didn't want to promote labour, told I might not deliver today despite being 5cm dilated, back to back contractions, told to fast, baby had been in distress etc.

I kept getting offered morphine which I refused and insisted I wanted an epidural/ didn't want to risk respiratory depression on an already premature baby- they then brought the morphine in my room and waved it in my face while I was in agony with contractions and asked what do you want me to do with this.

I read my notes which said I was asking for pain relief despite being clear I was only interested in an epidural. I insisted on speaking to a staff member who said to get the anaesthetist (in a very stroppy tone! And the midwife only then documented about asking for an epidural) anaesthetist came in and was very rude. Epidural was placed and test bolus wasn't given from the bag (which contained the fentanyl pain relief) which meant it only gave me 20mins of slight relief then stopped working. The midwife thanked them and asked if I even thanked them (at this point I was an hour from delivery and struggling through back to back intense contractions.

At that time baby was extremely distressed, bradycardic and the emergency buzzer was pulled, baby was born with epsiotomy and vacuum. While pushing I was told to stop screaming and that I would give myself a sore throat. The embarrassment of this has never left me and has always made me feel ashamed.

After delivery I had a PR/PV exam without warning (never mind consent!!) I was spoke down to my entire labour and fighting through each contractions and each breath trying to advocate for myself and my baby. The interactions I had while in labour left me with debilating PTSD. The midwife saw me passing after as I was going to the nicu and they didn't even look at me, actively looked away without acknowledging my existence.

The midwife who took over after baby was born was amazing! They brought me so much comfort and was so kind.

My baby then wasn't feeding, had low tone and low blood sugar and needed NICU. The Dr that assessed baby was so so kind! She explained everything, gave me time for questions, asked my opinion on treatment options etc. when I later visited baby ( after I got to the ward) I was leaving while they were preparing to do IVs/cultures and as I was being wheeled away she said to wait and gave me baby to kiss and say goodnight too. I will never forget the kindness between in that aftercare.

A few days into the NICU stay baby needed their feed topped up via NG as they were struggling with the bottle. The staff member I saw told me to put baby in the cot, I declined and said I had no problem with Ng feed but that baby didn't need to leave me as there was plenty of space around me and tube feeds were always done while being held. I was told I think you are tired, I think you should go home and sleep. This upset me greatly, I felt that they were so desensitised in the role she was in. 

One NICU staff member looked after my baby multiple times and was so comforting to us. It felt like she understood this was our baby, our experience and let me take the reins with their care. She advocated for me when I wanted to take baby home tube fed. She didn't interrupt any care any of the days ( baby wasnt sick, just needed tube fed and normal development), during bath time she offered to take my phone to take photos. She didn't make us feel uncomfortable, with some it felt like we were in their workplace and an annoyance, whereas with them I had my newborn bubble with the security of her looking after baby's health needs. 

During my antenatal care I had one Dr in particular who was so lovely, seemed to treat me as a person and not a number on her list. She made sure to gain consent prior to interventions/ inviting students in, was so thoughtful in showing me the baby scan and talking me through it, took into account my whole pregnancy and not just baby being okay - one day insited I take an anti sickness before leaving the room , got me water etc ( I had just been discharged after an esophegal test from vomiting so much).