"My CPN took the time to look behind the mask!"

My long term CPN went off due to a family bereavement and never came back. I thought this is okay, I have got this. With an over allocated team, a stretched resource and an ever increasing demand for services I did not feel worthy of making the request for support.

But it became apparent that without help from the Community Mental Health Team and regular input from a CPN I would not be able to function as a person, a wife, a mother, a carer, a parent of three young adults (one who is terminally ill, one with an acquired brain injury and one who has her own mental health challenges), a professional, a student and a volunteer.

Reaching a point where I was on my knees physically, mentally and emotionally I picked up the phone and asked for help. I was allocated a new worker and with great in trepidation I let her into my my house, my living room and my life.

I have now been working with my new CPN for several months and it is not an understatement to say that she has given me my life back. Our discussions allow me to process thoughts and feelings that would otherwise be stuck with me for days if not weeks. 

She arrives at the start of visit and asks how I am, and I tell her that I am fine. The fine mask is one that was instilled into me at the hands of parents, teachers, friends, work colleagues, managers and clinicians over the last forty seven years. It is a skilfully crafted piece of work that is now hard wired and very hard to remove. It is my armour and greatest strength but also one of the greatest barriers to accessing help.

My CPN challenges my thoughts preventing my negative thinking from becoming an endless stream of internal hate speech. She picks me up on the days that I am so lost in grief I cannot breathe. She reminds me that it is okay to live today. She helps me to see that there is hope. She gives me strength when I am at my weakest.

I am so deeply grateful that she does not listen to my fine, that she looks past the artificial smile and public persona, that she listens to the words I say and hears what I am not saying. I am grateful that she understands that there is a person behind the mask who is hurting, suffering and is in pain.

My CPN is highly skilled, incredibly knowledgeable and very insightful. She understands that a late diagnosed neurodivergent autistic patient is a complex case and that maybe today she is not fine, but tomorrow with support she can be okay. Without her skills and support I would not have made it through the last year and would not be ready to start a new job. I want to tell my story.