"My Mental Health"

My mental health took a turn for the worse and I had telephoned the Duty Worker at Wedderburn House, but the way I was feeling, nothing the person was saying to me was making much sense or due to the fact I was feeling ill, that made it difficult for me to comprehend the point's they were trying to get over and felt at a loss really.

I pay £40 a week to go and see a Private Counsellor as I don't think or feel that I get the support that I need at Wedderburn House. Six month's to me, is too long to wait to see someone, when your screaming for help. I don't know about other Mental Health user's, but I find it very difficult to express my feelings and emotions with my Psychiatrist.

I've tried writing things down and passing them on, but I just seem to go into melt down mode and tend to hear, just what I want to hear, whether it's actually what has been said or not. So I come away from my sessions feeling isolated and in some respects. let down by the system. I've asked for a CPN and hopefully, I will receive one, even if its only short term as working with another person gives you ideas and thoughts to work out strategies or look for a plan or work towards a goal, whereas on your own, when thing's go belly up, well in my case, I just run to the bedroom and hide as I feel safe there and even coming out for a glass of water is a huge ordeal.

For me, I would like more understanding as to why I can't fit into life, join in with others, go to work and do the thousand and one normal things that others do. I have asked for a referral for the Adult CBT Psychology as I feel personally, this is the right course of treatment for myself.

CBT is about aims, goals and putting a plan into action. At the moment, I have no plan, therefore there is no action. I think with Mental Health, it's about rebirthing and learning all over again as if you continue with what you're doing presently, then you're just going to end up in the cycle and at the end of the day, you want to break that cycle and hopefully change you, your lifestyle and how to deal with the knocks and bumps that come along. Rather then hiding in the bedroom, lets try a positive step and work through this, okay, it may take a couple of hours, but at the end of the day, it's a positive way of dealing with the problem.

You've not run away or hidden, you've said, okay this or that has happened, what can I do to remedy this. Talk to someone, telephone someone, do I have a mentor or Buddy scheme, do I have an understanding neighbour who I can have a cuppa with and ask their opinion and see if it matches my own thoughts on the matter. I have been referred to the Homeopathic Clinic at Victoria Hospital next month, which I am fair chuffed with as I don't like taking traditional medication and am a great believer in alternative medicines.

After telephoning Wedderburn House, I telephoned my Surgery and asked to talk to one of the Nurses, who I think has a lot of empathy qualities and she has a way of making you feel better about yourself, I was told, she's a Nurse and can't possibly help you with your Mental Health problems, but I'll inform the Doctor that you called tomorrow.

Now this receptionist knew nothing about what was going on with my Mental Health, whether I was ill, contemplating suicide or anything. They just took it into their own hands to off-load what they saw as a problem, whereby they should have asked some questions and even suggested a telephone consultation with a GP at the practice, but Receptionist's alway's know best.

The day before, I had been in to the Social Work department first point of call crisis team. The 2 women were very nice and very helpful, whereby I thought, maybe I could talk to one of these ladies and see if I could put a plan of some sort into action to keep myself safe and well. Anyway, Officialdom telephoned me back and asked what the problem was, now when I talk to women and I've done it for donkey's years, I always finish up by saying, thanks love, cheers love.

This person said, I don't appreciate you calling me Love, I'm a qualified Social Worker, well good for you, because I'm a qualified Lawyer and have a second Degree in Social Sciences, 2 Diplom's and a Certificate in Management from Dundee University, so in retrospect, I'm actually more qualified than the person I'm talking to asking for help.

See, that's the kind of misconception that people with Mental Health issues have to fight against, the stigma, Mental Health, idiot and that's the way I wass treated.

If they are a professional, then some re-training is required there. However, that's a complaint for another day, they did not stop the conversation and say, I'll have to telephone the Police as I'm duty bound as a professionally qualified Social Worker to report that you indicated that you're going to commit suicide, which is not what I said, I said I was feeling suicicidal, which to me, there is a big difference.

To me, this professionally qualified Social Worker, just made thing's a hundred times worse. The Police came out, 2 girls, one of them had taken me to Carseview in Jan/Feb this year, but they were very nice and asked if I wanted to go up to Carseview, but I declined as the last time I went with the young Police Officer, we were there for 5 and a half hours, so I wasn't doing that.

Anyway, they telephoned the Triage at Carsview for me to talk to someone, which I did, but after taking the dog out in the rain for an hour, I had time to reflect on some of the the things that I had spoken to the Nurse at Carseview and feel a bit ashamed of myself as I think I came over as rather condescending and maybe a bit arrogant, which is not me as I'm not like that.

I tend to treat people the same way as I would like to be treated myself. I tend to be Open, Honest and Truthful with people and now that I have reflected on my manners, maybe the ethos that I adhere to, just wasn't how it should have been and I sincerely apologise for that as it's not the kind of behaviour that I endeavour to undertake, it was rather shallow.

The problem with Mental Health issue's I find, you are all offer the place when thing's go wrong and you end up saying and doing thing's that are not in your character. At times, you think everyone and anyone is against you and you find it very difficult (I do) to comprehend what others are asking you to undertake. Actually, I'm a rather pleasant person, but probably needs that motivation to help become well. As anyone who suffer's from Mental Health issues, they will tell you there are trigger points that somehow set off a reaction, whether its anxiety 24 hours a day, panic or stress, we all have them, but for the Mental Health sufferer, its huge, gigantic, but to others its trivial.

To someone else, what the Social Worker said, would have gone over their heads, but for me, that was a trigger point for me, they think I'm an idiot, although this was never said, it was how I interpreted it, whereby calling the Police and having them at your door and not really listening to the people at Carseview, because all your thinking about is this in my view- silly Social Worker.

My day started not that great and sreadily went down hill, I tried to remedy things myself, but on hindsight, maybe I went about things in the wrong manner or wrong way. After my walk with the dog and time to reflect on my day, its been rotten, but the other alternative is not with me, thankfully. I'm at peace and feeling calm and going to have something to eat and watch the news, take Jet out again and go to bed with my books. Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, but today is a day fulfilled with joy, tranquility and happiness. We only ever get 24 hours, so its up to us how we live them. I have 4 left for today, I think I'll take the option of happiness and see what tomorrow brings.