"BPD is real. Negligence and the turn around."

I would like to start by saying my story is a success story however it took too long to get there and various crisis situations before finding the correct people in the system who eventually took me seriously.

As a highly functioning mother of two beautiful girls experiencing difficulties with my mental health I couldn't really afford to show any signs of weakness. For many years I soldiered on trying not to let people on the outside see any signs of my daily struggles. Eventually I did reach out to my GP and sought counselling, attended appointments took my medication, I worked hard at  coping mechanisms. I did my own research. I always found my flare ups and repetitive relationships breakdowns impacting on my day to day life, impacting on loved ones around me and I would share this with the professionals I was engaging with. I knew I had Borderline Personality Disorder. For years I was told "No you don't "

Many years passed from the point where I saw my G.P and my over all experience was pretty poor to start with. I felt like once one G.P had exhausted all their avenues in their limited time my experience with that G.P would quickly turn negative and I almost felt pushed away with comments like "Do you realise there are a lot of controversial studies on BPD and many Doctors don't believe there is such a thing as BPD and that the problems and all behavioural?" I was also told in 2020 that what I had experienced in Crisis was the Grieving process. (For 15 years...no definitely not) That was one of the most patronising things I had ever heard to date and just confirmed that I was not being taken seriously. 

This was something that really rocked my world because a comment like this was taken literally in my Black and White world that is BPD. I felt completely alone to a point for the first time my suicidal thoughts became real. My GP who I attended my reviews didn't get it, How could anyone possibly understand the intensity of the troubled voices, the intensity of the agitation,  the lack of sleep, the paranoia,  the constant catastrophic worry, the nervousness, my tremors with nerves, my lack of maintaining relationships, friendships, being along, pushing people away. And still somehow I had to remain a highly functioning working mother? 

I gave up. Suicide attempts.

I sang from the rooftops for help. But my calls fell on deaf ears. From somewhere at the depth of my toes I couldn't give up on my children. After a long spell of being off sick from work, through exhaustion on asking for constant help and not being taken seriously I began self medicating. I was not functioning at all day to day I gave up. Therefore a hospital stay was arranged. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. 

Eventually (my medication had not been reviewed for 4 years) in my experience after speaking to various G.P's. Various counsellors, I was onto my 3rd Psychiatrist. Various professionals. I was on to my 2nd CPN and the difference from one CPN to the other was like night and day. Wow...this one gets stuff sorted! They saved my life. My children have their mother in their life today because of her understanding of Mental Health.

There was never any light at the end of the tunnel until 2020...I had sang like a canary for months, suicidal, daily desperate for help. I engaged with various agencies. I met people who truly listened, truly understood and validated my experiences and my thoughts, my illness. They took the whole picture from start to current date, they took mental health seriously. They didn't forsake my experiences because I could ellicute my feelings and experiences either. Previously because I could ellicute my experiences, my feelings and I functioned well while trying to pretend everything was ok my illness had gone amiss or been misdiagnosed as anxiety. My experiences were raw, real, they were my reality. Only by the CMHT taking me seriously and for one department to another communicating effectively was I able to relax and let them take the reins but I was engaging with everyone. Every agency. They gained my trust and eventually these people were pro active in genuinely taking my mental health seriously. 

My point is, it was through sheer guts and determination that got me to where I am today. When mental health is too much people give up. The vulnerability it real, it is massive and it was only through sheer guts and being a complete pest that I was listened too. It is those who fall quiet that the system are failing. They are not being taken seriously soon enough and many are let down and dont make it. That means children without a parent. A mother or father without a son or daughter. 

I was lucky not to be a statistic. I was lucky to make it through. Many aren't.