"Refused access to mental health care"

I have been desperately struggling with my mental health so badly I have tried to get some help. I also have autism and ADHD have no support with that and serious physical health problems. I have severe depression, crippling OCD hoarding and phobias. I am terrified about going out and being with people and never had any friends, so have always been isolated and living in poverty. I feel detached from everything. I have a history of severe trauma after growing up in care and experiencing abuse and have been diagnosed with mental health problems all my life.

I kept going back to my GP who made referrals but these were all rejected with no reason given. I am told I am "unsuitable" It goes through a central referral system and is triaged and then goes to other primary or secondary care. All my referrals to both of these have been rejected with no reason given I have been treated like toxic waste and made to feel I am not a person. No-one will help. Years have passed and I have resigned myself to to fact I have labelled as a dustbin patient and denied access to all services.

This week everything got too much and I rang the 24 hour "helpline" for Pennine Care. They were anything but helpful. Cold, officious, aggresive, wilfully misinterpreting what I said. When you first ring all they want is all your personal details. After they have extracted these they they just tell you what I have already been told by Pennine Care. That I am unsuitable for help. Which always makes things worse. Why am I unsuitable? Why am I undeserving of care? They also tell me I must pay for help and that they consider I have no mental health problems. I ended call feeling hopeless.

Later that day there was loud banging on my front door. I was terrified and it reignited my past trauma. I looked through the spy hole on my front door. There was a police officer and a woman wearing a blue and white Pennine Care lanyard she was laughing at how hard they were banging. From the shouting and forceful banging I was too terrified to open door for fear of what they would do to me.

For the next few hours I was trapped in my home in terror. I wet myself. The police (now two officers) kept coming back. In total 6 times. They were banging and hammering relentlessly with their fists on all my door and windows back and front shouting -OPEN UP. POLICE. OPEN UP NOW.

They were shouting my name so the neighbours could hear. I felt so scared and vulnerable as I was alone. I feel like a fugitive. I went into a state of fear. Fight or flight mode I wanted to escape. I am disabled and have multiple health problems. I had just broken my wrist and hurt my legs after a bad fall. In that state I felt the whole world was against me. I was alone in terror.

The noise of the hammering on the door plus simultaneously ringing both my landline and mobile was too much for me. I collapsed as I am autistic and have ADHD. It was sensory overload and I didn't know what to do. I was desperate and had no one I could call for help. Eventually a few hours after it started they went

I couldn't sleep all night. At no time on that helpline call had I said I wanted to hurt myself or others. Also they hadn't mentioned any "welfare check'; it wasn't any of these things. It was show of power. A flexing of muscles to show me what they can do. A warning. I have made several complaints about being refused access to mental health services when I am struggling so badly. When another provider took me on they found out and got them to discharge by making false allegations that they had to visit me in pairs due to violence. Except I have never had a visit from them as they refuse services which is why my GP referred me out of area. This NHS trust has spent years fighting any attempt for me to access help. They even ignored a judicial review of them blocking me accessing services which was successful as they didn't contest it but refused to follow the recommendations.

Nothing will ever change my situation is fixed. I become unwell. My GP refers me for mental health treatment. This is rejected. I am left with no help. It has also begun to impact on my physical health too as referrals for that are declined e.g. diabetes, gastroenterology. I don't know what I have done to warrant such abuse and hatred towards me but it is permanent and I left to struggle mentally and cut off form any form of help.

Any attempt to access help results in Pennine Care treating me like a criminal and as in this case bringing the police and terrorising me.