"My illness"

I have suffered from bulimia for ten years now. I have always had a bad relationship with food. I was a chubby child and teenager and I used to eat fattening and high calorie foods and big portions. I remember one time watching the television and eating nearly a whole pack of kit kats because they tasted nice and made me feel good but as I started getting bigger and bigger at school, I started to get bullied and then I was seriously obsessed with my weight and food. I had no clue about food putting on weight. Looking back now I wasn't even that fat, I was a size 14 at my heaviest but I’m really small so I probably looked a lot worse than I actually was. One of my best friends who was big like me and who I grew up with lost a lot of weight suddenly. Her mum was friends with my mum and she mentioned that she felt that she had been making herself sick after meals. A light bulb flashed in my head and I thought I’ll try it just the once. I had always hated the idea of making myself sick and didn't understand how anybody could do it.

So that night, I had my usual large tea that my mum had made followed by chocolate and I ate more than normal because I knew I would bring it back up. I made myself sick and then that was it I was hooked. I can only describe it as someone taking heroine or cocaine. I started to lose weight and I got down to a size twelve. I got a boyfriend who I was besotted with and who played a lot of football and he started to call me fat so I ate very little and then what I did eat I would bring it back up. Eventually I told him about my bulimia and he was disgusted and ended up finishing with me, he lost all respect for me after that.

A year I got another boyfriend, we went to the gym all the time and I still made myself sick every day. I remained a size 10 to 12 but I was never happy with my figure. I used to be so envious when a slim, toned girl came into the gym and I’d watch the men's reactions as they'd walk past them. After two and a half years into the relationship I plucked up the courage to tell my boyfriend about my illness, I expected him to leave me but he was very supportive and made me get help. I had counselling once a week and after my first meeting I stopped making myself sick straight away and started eating really healthy. I don't know where my willpower came from but wait started to fall off me and I was still eating, I couldn't believe it. I was weighed once a week at the meeting and I had to cut out all 'bad foods' that made me want to binge or make myself sick. I had seven meetings and at the end I was better. I was a size eight, confident and have never felt as good in my life.

I was like this for a year and then I started eating takeaways again at the weekends and chocolate. I put half a stone back on and then one day I was so stupid and I made myself sick, I told myself it was a one off time and I’ll never do it again and then I couldn't stop the bug was back. I couldn't find the courage to tell my boyfriend as I felt like a failure and I thought I’d tried to control it on my own but I couldn't. He eventually found out and left me. That was two years ago and I gained some control when we split because I couldn't eat so I lost weight and then started to binge again and put two stone on because I wasn't making myself sick.

I met my current boyfriend and we now live together and are engaged and I started making myself sick as soon as I met him to lose weight. He doesn't know about it and I will never tell him. He works away in the week so I mainly binge at night time and sometimes I do it at work. At the weekends I don't do it although I do get into the binging state of mind in front of my boyfriend every so often although the majority of the time I will eat very little in front of people. I have started a new job and I have had a lot of time off already so I can't have time off every week to go to a counselling class. Plus it is far away from me and I don't drive and the clinic shuts at 4.30pm and I work till 5pm so I can't get there.

I'm desperate for help as I can't do this on my own, I’ve tried and tried and done the weight watchers diet to try and gain some control. I even run every day but I hate my figure so much and all I do is eat bad foods. I am so addicted to food and I just can't stop. I wish it was like smoking but my body needs food so that's why I can easily go off track, it is so hard. I wish I could just eat normally and healthily like I did when I had counselling. I was so happy and felt brilliant. I have tried all the techniques that I used then but I just can't do it on my own. If I wasn't bulimic, I would be obese. I feel like I’m just killing myself slowly and even though this scares the hell out of me I just can't stop. In the past this has helped me to stay strong but I don't think anything will stop this now. It's too out of control. I'm lost and don't know what to do.